What is a Trauma Bond?

The term ‘trauma bond’ is very topical at present – but what does ‘trauma bonding’ mean?

A trauma bond is a psychological and emotional bond formed between a victim of abuse and their abuser. The bond itself is unhealthy, the best outcome is to work towards breaking it.

In this article, we discuss what trauma bonding is, the signs, how to break the bond, and how to recover.

What is a trauma bond?

“A trauma bond is a connection between an abusive person and the individual they abuse. It is reflective of an attachment created by repeating physical or emotional trauma with positive reinforcement.“

Who is affected by trauma bonding?

Although trauma bonding can affect anyone, it’s more likely to develop to the below people:

A person who has suffered from domestic abuse
A person who has been subjected to incest
A person who has been kidnapped
A person who has been sexually abused
A person who has been in a cult
An elderly person who has been abused due to their age
A person who has been human trafficked

The key signs of a trauma bond

There are two key signs to look out for when considering whether you are in a trauma bond relationship.

The first is whether the relationship is cyclical. You may notice that the person treats you nicely sometimes, and therefore makes it difficult to leave.

The second is that a power imbalance is present. This is when you may feel that the person controls you, or makes it difficult to break free.

Below are also some of the characteristics of a trauma bond relationship:

You may feel unhappy and not like your partner anymore, but you still cannot end things
You may feel physically and emotionally distressed when trying to leave
They might promise to change but make no effort actually to do so upon threats of you leaving
You may fixate on the good in the relationship, rather than the bad (which often outweighs the positives)
You likely make excuses for them and defend their behaviour when others express worry
You continue to trust them and think you can change them
You protect them and keep their abusive behaviour a secret from loved ones

How can a trauma bond be broken?

Often, if a person has experienced abuse in their childhood, they will be drawn to similar relationships in adulthood. This is due to the brain having already recognised the highs and lows of the abuse.

History of trauma can also make it difficult to break a trauma bond.

You can learn how to stop the cycle of abuse, and the below tips should help.

Keep track of your feelings: you need to be able to recognise the abuse. Keep a record of the things happening to help you identify patterns and behaviours.
Seek advice from loved ones: run your experiences by them, and take everything they say in. Your loved ones know you better than anyone and can offer perspective.
Avoid blaming yourself: you are not to blame and you deserve better. Keep reminding yourself of those things.
Cut contact: once you decide to break free, make sure you cut all communication with them completely – don’t give them a reason to communicate with you.

How to recover from a trauma bond

Everyone deserves to live a life free of abuse and fear. Now is the time to dedicate your life to you.

Take up some new hobbies, do what you love and what makes you happy.

If you need support, it may be time to consider getting in touch with your GP to discuss some help.

You have the option to refer yourself directly to an NHS talking therapy service without a referral from a GP, or a GP can also refer you.

The NHS advises that the below is what will happen once you have referred yourself:

Someone from the service will get in touch, usually within a few weeks.
They’ll ask for more details about the problems you’re having. This is known as an assessment.
If the service thinks they can help you, they’ll recommend a therapy for you. This is based on your symptoms and how severe they are.
Waiting times for the first session vary. The service will tell you what to expect.

You can also choose to have talking therapy privately, this is slightly different as you will have to pay for the service. Mind offers a list of useful contacts here.

In addition to talking therapy, you can also look for a local support group. Psychology Today offers a comprehensive list of trauma and PTSD support groups here.